I think the kernel of it began several years ago. I'm from the Midwest. I moved east for grad school in 2005 and immediately developed chronic bronchitis. The last seven years have been the most miserable in my life. I was never sick like this. I would literally be ill 6 months out of the year. I'd just grit my teeth and force myself to get through school, get through work. I think I hit bottom between 2008 and 2010. I was still very ill, I was stressed financially, I was angry that God led me into a profession that didn't pay very much and in a location that wreaked havoc on my health. At the same time, I sensed that I was right smack in the middle of God's will. That made me even madder. I asked God over and over again, "Why do You want me to suffer? Why can't I leave?" Then a close friend moved abroad for missions and two others basically abandoned me. So I was sick, financially stressed, furious with my so-called friends, lonely, stressed about my responsibilities at church, resentful that church, rather than being a help, was actually adding to my stress, etc. I had such a hard time that I came close to having a psychological breakdown. I could feel the edges of my psyche unraveling. It's a miracle I made it through and I'm ok now.
During this time, several people at church had babies and I received an email about who could volunteer to cook and deliver meals to these families. Now I believe that church should support new mothers. I am not a mother but I have been arounf enough babies to know how much work they are and really, two parents are not enough. But I became very upset when I received this email. I was thinking that I had been so sick since I moved here, it was equivalent to have a new baby each year for 5 years! Who gave me any sort of extra support? Everytime people asked for prayer request, I talked about my health. Yet in all that time, three people emailed me to ask how I was, one person brought me juice, one person brought me fruit, and one gave me soup. Only one of them stopped by while I was sick. The others gave to me when I felt well enough to go to Bible study again.
I think people are very responsive when it came to one-off situations but not ongoing situations. A tsunami hits. The entire world bands together to help victims. 10-30,000 children die everyday from hunger and malnutrition. Nothing, no headlines in the newspaper. They suffer alone. They die alone. A woman has a baby. People at church band together to cook meals for the family. I'm sick every year for half the year. I get three emails and one almost-meal.
Do you know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's when you're having a hard time and you look around and there is nobody next to you, nobody there for you. That's the worst feeling in the world. This experience gave me a small taste of what it must be like for the world's poor. They have no power. They have no voice. They suffer alone. They die alone. I'd be hacking, coughing, crying, miserable at home and these were the thoughts that went through my head. "No one knows how sick I am. Nobody cares. Nobody's coming to visit me. Nobody's calling to check up on me. No one's showing up to help me with chores around the house even though I desperately need it. I am all alone."
Then last year, I finally began to read about poverty and philanthropy; I was immediately convicted and started to give more. I forgave my church and my so-called friends. After all, when was the last time I visited someone suffering from illness? My health has improved to the point where I only feel utterly miserable 1-2 months out of the year. I've had an awful time here, but I came out of it a better person-- more compassionate, more giving, more in tune with God's desires, and with a sense of greater purpose. I see why God allowed this in my life. I'm a happier person now.
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